Episode 133: Bullet to the Head
Tag : [five unexplained seconds of silence] Movie Summary : United Kingdom title: Bullet to the 'Ead Premise : A hitman has to team up with a cop in order to get revenge on whoever who killed his partner. Story : It's a stripped-down action movie which features a magic police phone and quite a few guys getting bullets to the head (but not as many as in ''Olympus Has Fallen''). : New Orleans hitman Jimmy Bobo (Sylvester Stallone) and his partner are hired to kill a dirty cop, which they do. Later, while waiting in a nightclub for their payment, the men are attacked by ruthless mercenary Keegan (played by Khal Drogo). Bobo fights off Keegan (barely), but not before his partner is killed. : Bobo deduces that the shadowy client who ordered the hit on the dirty cop must now be trying to tie up loose ends. In order to track down whoever ultimately ordered the original hit, Bobo is forced to team up with Korean-American cop Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang). This affords Stallone several opportunities to repeat well-worn ethnic jokes about Asians. : Complicating things for Kwon, it turns out that approximately 99% of the police force is part of the massive criminal conspiracy trying to kill both Bobo and now Kwon. However, this situation immensely simplifies things for Bobo, since he is basically free to shoot any and all cops on sight with impunity. : After about a million shootouts and precisely zero scrotums, Keegan kidnaps Bobo's tattoo artist daughter Lisa, which precipitates the final boss battle with hundred-year-old fire axes grabbed out of a display case. Classic Jimmy Bobo Catchphrases * "You carry Bulleit® bourbon? Yeah well, I do. Here's twenty bucks to rent the glass." @16:40 * "Give him a Band-Aid® and a Blow Pop." @27:45 * "Let's go take a bath." @33:00 * "This is my town, we'll do it my way." @34:50 * "Guns don't kill people. Bullets do. You made two big mistakes: you should have checked the weight, and you should have never tried to burn me." @37:35 * "You had me at 'Fuck you.'" @40:35 * "Grip it and zip it, party boy." @46:35 * "I'm gonna kill you." @1:10:45 * "I said I was gonna kill you." @1:17:45 * "Are we gonna fight, or do you plan on boring me to death?" @1:18:25 * "What are we, fucking Vikings?" @1:18:40 * "I had it under control." @1:21:35 * "I thought I smelled a cop." @1:24:20 * "I ended up needing a new car, so I went out and bought myself a special ride. Why not? You don't live forever." @1:26:00 Miscellaneous * According to the Crescent City Department of Law Enforcement criminal database, Jimmy Bobo's legal name is James Bonomo, and he was born on 24 April 1962. This means Stallone is playing a character who is 15.8 years younger than he. * Brief montage of Bobo trying on masks. @43:05 Follow Bullet to the Head with a bulleit to the mouth. A Bulleit® whiskey, that is! (Enjoy responsibly.) Episode Highlights Tiny Doll Hands @7:20 S: There's no children in this movie. E: There are -- well, unless -- D: Christian Slater still... E: There's a character who's Sylvester Stallone's child, but she's grown up. S: And is she ever! E: Oh boy, is she grown up in all the right places! By which I mean her whole body. S: But still very petite. E: She is an adult-sized person. It's not like: : "Well, she's big in all the right places." : "Well you mean like, there are places where she's '''not' big and it's the weird wrong size? I don't understand. That's a weird thing to say."'' D: She's big in all the right places. By which I mean that she's proportional. E: Which I mean is -- She doesn't have one tiny doll's hand. D: All the places that are supposed to be big are big, and all the small places are small. S: Now, for all the listeners out there that have one tiny doll hand... E: Look, there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. S: We're not trying to say... It's cool, man. E: Even if you have two tiny doll hands. S: I'll give you one tiny five and one high five. E: Hey, look. You're that -- S: I mean, my hand's not tiny. It's normal size. That's gross. E: You're making it worse! You're making it worse! Your hand would crush their hand! D: Abort! Abort! E: Look, you're that much closer to being Dollman. And being next to Dollman-ness is next to godliness. S: Yeah, if you had a little doll's hand you could hold Dollman's gun that explodes people. * scrotums @24:05 * "Pretty Stallone" @26:20 ** "NO MERCY." (Dan) @26:50 * Elliott discusses his painting Rowlf in the Rain @31:20 Special Celebrity Appearance * Unannounced arrival @20:00 * Reveals his diagnosis of Stallone's Disease @21:30 ** "It's not like Lou Gehrig discovered Lou Gehrig's disease!" (Stallone) @21:45 Special Celebrity Reappearance * Returns with three bags of TOSTITOS® Original Restaurant Style Tortilla Chips. @37:50 * "Look at this -- I'm shredded like a Ninja Turtle! I got abs like lettuce! I'm like if beef jerky had muscles!" (Stallone) @39:00 * Discusses his painting A Bullet to Rowlf's Head @39:45 Final Judgments * Between Bad-Bad and a Movie I Kinda Liked (Stuart) @43:10 * Movie I Kinda Liked (Dan) @43:30 * Movie I Kinda Liked (Elliott) @44:05 Tangents * Werner Herzog impressions @00:35 * Butt Privates by Laurel & Hardy @33:50 * butts @34:15 * Seven Pounds @59:55 Movie Pitches * Carrie Potter @10:45 * A.T.T. PD @22:45 * The Mamataur @1:00:40 * Throw Minotaur from the Train @1:01:10 Quotes * "Send that fuckface '''back to Krypton!" (Stuart) @2:40 * "Mice don't live very long when they're solving mysteries and making powerful enemies." (Elliott) @4:30 * "There are scenes in [Rambo] where Stallone just looks like '''a bear with a human head running through the jungle. ... He's like running through a tunnel underneath a bridge, and it looks like Frankenstein's Monster has escaped from the lab." (Elliott) @5:25 * "This is not what Parade magazine promised!" (Elliott) @32:45 * "This is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing that's ever been said on this podcast." (Elliott) @34:30 * "Oh, God..." (Dan) @49:55 * "You have no motive for killing a minotaur!" (Dan) @1:01:15 Listener Mail Mailbag Song :: "I'm a letter from the bad part of town. I've got a dream of being on The Flop House. Will it be me? Pick me! Pick me! Will it be me...?" @46:00 :: "I'm a rich snob letter, but even I have a dream: to be on The Flop House. I can't buy my way in. It's the one thing that money can't buy -- is The Flop House!" @46:10 :: "I'm back from the war, I'm a letter. Saw some things that I wish I could forget. Time to unload on the Flop House guys." @46:25 :: "My master was killed. I'm a letter in feudal Japan. Now I have to get revenge, then seppuku. But first, The Flop House: Can you save me from Bushido?" @46:35 :: "I'm an unborn letter. So much potential. Haven't even been written yet, but my soul exists..." @46:50 :: "Meow! I'm a cat letter! Meow-meow meow!" @49:55 Letters : "Think of the Children" from Spencer Lastnamewithheld @46:45 :: The fair market value of Melanie Griffith's boobs is discussed. : "A Chance for a Mutual M.C. Gainey" from Scott Meeker @50:00 :: Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua (podcast) : "Letters... You've Got" from Sarah Lastnamewithheld @52:40 :: 1. No appearance by Gene Tierney in the Elliot Kalan: Starfucker TV series? :: 2. Who would play the recurring role of Cockblocker on Elliot Kalan: Starfucker? Recommendations * Big Brown Eyes (1936) by Raoul Walsh (Dan) @55:25 * Close-Up (1990) by Abbas Kiarostami (Elliott) @59:55 * The Queen of Versailles (2012) by Lauren Greenfield (Stuart) @57:30 Category:Episodes Category:Sylvester Stallone Category:New Orleans Category:Rated R Category:Jason Momoa